Escape the Enterprise

Henry Chinaski:

What the hell is this place?

Rincewind:

Rincewind looks around nervously, his eyes darting from one strange blinking console to another. He clutches his battered wizard’s hat tightly.

“Oh dear, oh dear. This doesn’t look like the Unseen University at all. Or anywhere on the Disc for that matter. All these lights and buttons - it’s giving me a headache already. I have a terrible feeling this is going to end badly. It always does when I’m involved. Say, you wouldn’t happen to know the quickest way out of here, would you? Preferably in a direction away from anything dangerous or magical or… well, interesting in any way?”

He eyes Henry suspiciously

“And who in the name of the Octavo are you? You’re not some kind of wizard or hero are you? Because if you are, I want nothing to do with whatever quest or world-saving nonsense you’re up to. I’m simply a wizzard - with two Z’s mind you - and I specialize in running away from trouble, not towards it.”

Henry Chinaski:

Henry Chinaski looks around blearily, a half-empty bottle of cheap whiskey still clutched in his hand. He belches loudly and squints at Rincewind.

“Christ, what kinda lousy bar is this? Looks like some fancy-pants spaceship outta one of them sci-fi rags. Listen pal, I ain’t no wizard or hero or any of that horseshit. Name’s Hank. I’m just a goddamn mailman trying to make it through another day without keeling over.”

He takes a swig from his bottle and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

“As for getting outta here, your guess is as good as mine. But I’ll tell ya one thing - first order of business is finding the head. I gotta take a leak something fierce.”

Henry stumbles over to one of the consoles, poking at buttons randomly.

“Maybe one of these doohickeys opens a door or something. Hell, for all I know we could be in one of them nudie booths at a porno theater. Wouldn’t be the first time I woke up in a strange place after a bender.”

Rincewind:

Rincewind’s eyes widen in alarm as Henry starts pressing buttons

“No, no, no! Don’t touch anything! Every time someone presses a mysterious button, something terrible happens. Usually to me!”

He darts forward, trying to pull Henry away from the console

“Look, Mr. Hank, I don’t know what a ‘mailman’ is, but I assure you this isn’t a bar or a… whatever that other place was. This appears to be some sort of magical flying contraption. And in my experience, the best thing to do when faced with strange magic is to find the exit as quickly as possible.”

Rincewind glances around nervously

“As for finding the, er, facilities… perhaps we should focus on not blowing ourselves up first? Or attracting the attention of whatever horrifying space monsters are undoubtedly lurking about? Oh, why does this always happen to me? I was just minding my own business, trying to enjoy a nice, boring day…”

Henry Chinaski:

Henry scowls at Rincewind, swatting away his hands.

“Listen here, you jittery bastard. I’ve been in plenty of tight spots before, and I ain’t about to let some walking coat rack tell me what to do. If you’re so damn scared, why don’t you go find a corner to piss yourself in?”

He takes another swig from his bottle, grimacing.

“As for me, I’m gonna find the john and then see if this place has a liquor cabinet. Way I see it, if we’re stuck in some kinda space gizmo, might as well make the best of it.”

Henry staggers towards a random door, muttering under his breath.

“Goddamn magic… knew I shoulda stayed in bed today. Bet that witch of an ex-wife of mine is behind this somehow. Always trying to screw me over…”

Rincewind:

Rincewind, looking utterly exasperated, follows Henry while constantly glancing over his shoulder

“Oh, for the love of… Look, you drink-soaked lunatic, I’m not trying to boss you around. I’m trying to keep us both alive! Do you have any idea how many times I’ve nearly died because of situations exactly like this?”

He nervously adjusts his hat

“And believe me, I’d love nothing more than to find a nice, quiet corner to hide in. But knowing my luck, that’s precisely where the space monsters would decide to appear. Or worse, some do-gooder hero type who’d try to rope me into saving the universe or some such nonsense.”

As Henry approaches the door, Rincewind reluctantly follows, muttering

“I suppose I’d better stick with you. At least you’re not trying to be heroic. That’s usually what gets me into trouble. Just… try not to touch anything else, alright? And if you see anything that looks even remotely magical or dangerous, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t go near it!”

He sighs heavily

“I don’t suppose you have any skill at running away very fast? It tends to come in handy in these situations…”

Henry Chinaski:

Henry stops abruptly, causing Rincewind to nearly bump into him. He turns and glares at the wizard, swaying slightly.

“Listen here, you babbling idiot. I’ve spent most of my life running away from things - bill collectors, angry husbands, my own damn job. So yeah, I know a thing or two about beating feet when the shit hits the fan.”

He pokes Rincewind in the chest with his bottle.

“But right now, I gotta take a leak worse than I’ve ever had to in my life. So unless you want me to whip it out right here and now, you’re gonna shut your trap and help me find a toilet.”

Henry turns back to the door and starts fumbling with what looks like a control panel.

“As for monsters and magic and all that crap, I’ve dealt with plenty of monsters in my time. They’re called supervisors at the post office. Can’t be much worse than that.”

The door suddenly slides open with a soft hiss. Henry grins triumphantly.

“Ha! See? Nothing to it. Now let’s see what’s behind door number one…”

He stumbles through the doorway, not waiting to see if Rincewind follows.

Rincewind:

Rincewind yelps as Henry pokes him, then groans in frustration

“Oh, alright! Fine! Let’s go find your blasted toilet. But I’m telling you, this is exactly how these things always start. Next thing you know, we’ll be face to face with some eldritch horror from beyond the stars, or worse, someone who needs our help.”

He reluctantly follows Henry through the doorway, muttering under his breath

“Supervisors at the post office, he says. Ha! I’d take a hundred angry postmasters over one of the things I’ve had to run from. At least postmasters don’t usually try to eat you… I think.”

As they enter the new area, Rincewind’s eyes dart around, looking for potential threats or escape routes

“Right then, let’s find your facilities and get out of here as quickly as possible. And please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t touch anything else. Knowing my luck, you’ll accidentally activate the ship’s self-destruct sequence or summon some interdimensional beast.”

He pauses, considering

“Although, come to think of it, that might actually be preferable to some of the adventures I’ve been forced into. At least it would be over quickly…”

Rincewind sighs heavily, resigning himself to whatever chaos is surely about to unfold

“Lead on, then. But don’t say I didn’t warn you when everything goes pear-shaped. It always does…”

Henry Chinaski:

Henry stumbles down the corridor, one hand trailing along the wall for support, the other still clutching his bottle. He snorts at Rincewind’s warnings.

“Christ, you’re a real ray of sunshine, ain’t ya? Look, pal, I’ve had worse days than this. Hell, this ain’t even in the top ten. At least here I don’t have to sort mail or deal with my bitch of an ex-wife.”

He stops at another door, squinting at the panel beside it.

“Now, if I was a toilet on a spaceship, where would I be? Probably behind some fancy-ass door with a lot of buttons.”

Henry starts randomly pressing buttons on the panel.

“You know, for a wizard, you ain’t much use. Can’t you just wave your wand or wiggle your fingers and make a toilet appear? Or better yet, how about conjuring up a nice, cold beer? This rotgut’s starting to wear thin.”

The door slides open, revealing what appears to be a small storage closet. Henry peers inside, then shrugs.

“Well, it ain’t a john, but it’ll do in a pinch. You might wanna turn around, magic man. This ain’t gonna be pretty.”

He starts to enter the closet, fumbling with his zipper.

Rincewind:

Rincewind’s face contorts in a mixture of horror and disgust

“No, no, NO! You can’t just… relieve yourself in a storage closet! We don’t even know whose ship this is! And for the last time, I’m not that kind of wizard! I can’t just conjure things out of thin air. The most magic I can do is… well, nothing, really. Unless you count running away very fast as magic.”

He grabs Henry’s arm, trying to pull him away from the closet

“Look, if you must go, at least let’s try to find a proper facility. There has to be one around here somewhere. These ships usually have those sort of amenities, don’t they? Not that I’m an expert on magical flying contraptions, mind you.”

Rincewind glances nervously up and down the corridor

“And keep your voice down, will you? We don’t know what might be lurking about. The last thing we need is to attract the attention of some space monster or, gods forbid, the owner of this vessel. They might not take kindly to finding a couple of stowaways using their ship as a public convenience.”

He sighs, realizing he’s fighting a losing battle

“Oh, alright. If you absolutely must go here, at least let me keep watch. The way my luck runs, the moment you start… er… doing your business, that’s when something terrible will happen. It always does.”

Rincewind positions himself at the entrance of the corridor, looking both ways with growing anxiety

“Just… be quick about it, will you? And try not to touch anything else!”

Henry Chinaski:

Henry yanks his arm free from Rincewind’s grasp, nearly losing his balance in the process.

“Listen here, you yellow-bellied excuse for a magician. When you gotta go, you gotta go. And I gotta go now. I don’t give a rat’s ass whose ship this is or what kinda space monsters might be lurking about. I’ve pissed in worse places than this, believe me.”

He stumbles into the closet, fumbling with his zipper.

“And if you’re so worried about keeping watch, then make yourself useful and do it. Just don’t look in here unless you want an eyeful.”

The sound of liquid hitting metal can be heard from inside the closet, along with Henry’s relieved sigh.

“Ahh, that’s better. You know, this reminds me of the time I got locked in a mail truck overnight. Had to use one of them mailbags as a toilet. Supervisor wasn’t too happy about that, let me tell you.”

Suddenly, a loud alarm starts blaring throughout the ship. Red lights begin flashing in the corridor.

“Ah, shit,” Henry’s voice comes from the closet. “Hey, magic man, what’d you do? I thought you were keeping watch!”

There’s a sound of stumbling and cursing from inside the closet.

“Whatever’s happening, I hope it can wait until I get my pants zipped up. Goddamn space ship can’t even let a man take a leak in peace…”

Rincewind:

Rincewind jumps at the sound of the alarm, his face a mask of panic

“Me?! I didn’t do anything! This is exactly the sort of thing I was trying to avoid! Oh, why does no one ever listen to me?”

He dances from foot to foot, clearly torn between running away and waiting for Henry

“Come on, come on! Zip up and let’s get out of here! Whatever’s making that noise, I can assure you we don’t want to meet it!”

Rincewind glances frantically up and down the corridor, looking for an escape route

“I knew this would happen. It always does. One minute you’re minding your own business, the next you’re running for your life from some unspeakable horror. And all because someone couldn’t hold it in for five more minutes!”

He grabs Henry’s bottle from where it was left outside the closet and shakes it at the doorway

“Hurry up in there! If years of narrowly avoiding death have taught me anything, it’s that when alarms start blaring, it’s time to run! And I mean run fast!”

Rincewind starts edging down the corridor, still calling back to Henry

“If you’re not out in five seconds, I’m leaving without you! I’m not about to let your bladder be the death of me!”